Montreal in Technicolor

For once, this post won't be about some frivolous topic. Actually, to most people, it will seem incredibly frivolous with all of the scary shit going on around the world. But for me, this has potentially been the second worst disappointment. The first, for clarity, is 09/13/06 (if you know you know what events i'm referring to, if not google it). Secondly, I have been incredibly lucky that these are the types of disappointments that can literally destroy every ounce of motivation and self-confidence I have in my own skills, and that I'm aware that it's nothing compared to what the people in Syria, Haiti and various other countries face on a daily basis.

I woke up to a rejection email from my first choice grad program, and let it be known that I have yet to receive an acceptance anywhere. I felt so confident about this writing up these applications, so sure that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, and I didn't get it. I'm lost, I'm devastated and I don't even know where to begin to think of something else I can do. I can assure you that there are few other feelings this horrible, when everything you banked your future on disappears without an explanation. I can obviously see why I wasn't probably an ideal candidate, but I thought that maybe my application package would belie something about myself that would stand out to admission commitees. It didn't, and now I'm left wondering what the fuck went wrong.

I've essentially been hiding this for the past few weeks, as everyone around me (not the close friends, but acquaintances/class mates) thinks I've gotten in and that I'm making preps for next year. The only preparation I'm making is trying to find a job that isn't shittastic at the moment. I can't bear the humiliation of telling people that I essentially spent the last 4 years working towards something that will never come. Everyone that does know is telling me that it happens for a reason and that I can always apply to Concordia where i'll most likely get it (seeing as i finished my BA there) for the Winter semester and that it's not the end of the world. I know this, but it doesn't really numb the pain. Maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe it's very much 'first world problems', maybe i'm just an idiot, but it definitely doesn't feel like nothing. I feel like I've let myself down somewhere along the road, and that this is a monumental failure.

I suppose I could apply to Concordia, but that's admitting failure to every single professor that I've ever had. They will see me, and they will know that I didn't get in, and they will wonder if maybe they were wrong about me. I got lucky the past year, and have had professors that have told me they believed in me, and right now it feels like I've let them down as well. I've spent most of today moping around, pretending to read, essentially running through backup plans in my head. I have a job interview at another call center, just cause my current job blows, but I'm hoping I can land this paid internship that I applied to.

I don't know why I needed to let this out here. Usually, i would keep this to myself but I just feel like I've bothered people enough with other stupid relationship problems and I just needed to talk it out to someone. Apparently, my Macbook screen is now someone, but at least I'm pretty sure no one really reads this unless it's about hockey.

I'm hoping tomorrow is another day, but it's looking pretty grey from here.

l.